Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
