pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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