a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize