I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
