The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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