Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
