He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
