I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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