get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize