I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
