guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
