i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
