i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
