sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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