I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
