at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
