your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
