i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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