Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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