we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize