sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
