I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
