I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
