Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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