Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize