dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
