Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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