I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
