i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
