Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize