I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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