Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
