Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
