last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
