Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
