Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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