I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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