Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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