my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
