good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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