those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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