she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
