took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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