I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
