By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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