i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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