your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
