Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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