Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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