just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize