Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
