Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
