so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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