I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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