my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
