Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
