I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
