We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
