Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
